Lack Of Motivation

Today's Wednesday, which means the week is halfway over and only one day of heavy classes and one light day separate me from the weekend. But I have more work due in the next two days than on the past three combined, and no motivation at all to get it done. Now that I have finally discovered what I want to do, I want to pour all of my energy and spare time into working towards my writing. I have lists of books to read and various story ideas to work on, but I can't because by the time I come back from classes, clean my apartment, study for class, do my homework, and take care of myself- wait, I don't even have the time to get all of those done, much less work towards my goal. If it wasn't for the tens of thousands of dollars in scholarships I've received that I'd have to pay back if I switched my major, then I would do so in a heart beat. My current field, though an interesting choice, doesn't fill me with the same passion I get from more of the humanities and lately I've found myself wondering why I'm even going to college to begin with. I love learning, but I just feel that life is too short for me to waste my time earning a degree in a subject I'm not passionate about instead reading all I want, writing all I can imagine, and traveling everywhere I long to. This may be a short-lived deviation from my interest in genetics, but it's hitting me hard. 

So what books am I reading right now? Well, I'm working on two. Generally I like to spend my time focusing on one book, but both of these captured my attention and I couldn't choose between them. 

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I haven't made it far in this book, so I can't give any plot or character descriptions or insights into the book. I've seen this book on several lists claiming it as one of the best books from the 2000-2010 decade and happened to have picked it up several months ago at a used bookstore. I like it so far, and what especially stands out to me is the point of view the story is written in. When reading, it's as if the protagonist is engaging you in conversation and you're already aware of the things being discussed. I've never read a book with this style before and am finding it very interesting.

I'm also reading:

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I came across this book as a suggestion from Amazon (thanks to my frequent online shopping habits) and was hooked instantly by the few available pages online. Delirium is in the young adult genre, meaning it should be an easy read, and it's the first in a trilogy by author Lauren Oliver. A trilogy that I'm eagerly anticipating. I hope to finish this soon and offer a review on it.

This post has been a successful attempt to postpone studying for my impending Biochem exam and going to the gym, but I suppose it's time to finally do what needs to be done. Or not. 

Apologies & Current Goal

I'm embarrassed by my lack of attention to this blog. I had my best intentions in keeping up to date and becoming a larger part of the blogging community but last semester was an overwhelming and stressful time for me and this blog was not one of my priorities. To the few readers I had, I'm sorry for my long leave. Although I don't have a consistent blogging schedule planned out, I do plan on trying to post more frequently, hopefully at least once a week. 


I think I entered my quarter-life crisis early, beginning some time during my reflective winter break. I was freaking out. And have been since. I'm in the process of changing my major to genetics, my scholarships keep me locked into a math, science, technology, education, or engineering major, but I have no interest in any of those subjects recently. What I am in interested in is psychology, sociology, ethics, foreign languages, art, music, history, and any other subject that lets me analyze how people think, why they think that particular way, and what they use to express themselves. I don't know when I began to favor this mindset, but it has become blatantly obvious to me as of late that the career plans I have been set on for years are no longer what I aspire to do. I am a person who loves stability and predictability and I pride myself on being able to make a choice and hold myself to it. But the more I try to push myself into these tracks, the less I learn and the harder the classes become.


I don't know what made me realize it. I had a dream over a month ago that got my mind spinning. The vivid details, engaging plot, and familiar characters captivated me and I couldn't get them out of my mind. I tried to think of an already published book similar to my dream. What a brilliant book it would be, I couldn't wait to read it. But I couldn't find one. Toni Morrison's quote, "If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it" made me realize what I needed to do. I sat for nearly an entire day, typing out in detail my dream. And as I typed, more details about the world these characters lived in and what was going to happen to them appeared in my mind. I was excited and filled with passion. Then my computer, as it often does, got a virus and crashed. The twelve pages I had typed were lost, and with them, my inspiration. January was spent much the same way December was, questioning all of my choices. This past weekend, for unknown reasons, I finally sat back down and typed out what I remembered from the dream and story, changed some details, added more depth, and did some research. 


I am now more confident than ever about what I want to do with my life. My choice is ironic, considering how this was one of my initial career choices in elementary school that I had, for some reason, cast aside. Books, reading and writing have always been part of my favorite past times, although overlooked at times, but they keep coming back to me. This story has held onto me for so long, in such detail, and continues to evolve in my mind and I think if I don't even attempt to share it that it'd be a failure. I plan to continue with my degree in Genetics and minor in Japan Studies so that I can have a stable career should my books prove to be unsuccessful. But I have to do this, for myself. I can't even begin to describe the weight lifted from me, and how the pieces in my life seemed to click into place, when I had that moment of epiphany and realized what I had known as a child, and somehow forgotten.

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I hope all of you (the few of you there are who may stumble across this post) are able to realize your dreams and passions and find a way to work towards them. 

Really Behind...: Daily Day-Lifters

Since I'm in a fairly bad mood, and my brain is so fried that I doubt I could come up with anything witty or creative, my post tonight might reflect my uncharacteristically pessimistic views. But, instead of posting what I would love to, a list of my annoyances or things I hate, I will instead try to uplift myself by posting about small, daily things that just contribute to a great day in my opinion.

The Smell of Coffee

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Curling Up on the Couch

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When a Cat Curls Up in My Lap

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The Changing Colors of Leaves

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Being With, or Talking to, Good Friends

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Listening to a Favorite Song 

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Running Behind Again: Personality Traits and "Flaws"

I don't remember what I initially wanted to post about for this night. But at this point in time, I don't really care. I'm really behind and working on catching up. I would like to use this post to talk about a few of my personality traits which, to some may be considered flaws, but they're who I am and I have no intention of changing them to please others. If and when I decide to improve on them, it will be of my own choosing.

Trust

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I have, literally, no trust. Not for my family, not for my friends, and not for new acquaintances. This is one trait that I would love to change. However, time and time again I've been stabbed in the back, and the more I try to trust the more I get hurt. At this point in my life, for my health and sanity, I've found it's much easier on myself to just not trust people and always assume the worst. It keeps me from getting hurt and I'm not disappointed in people. I can't stand it when people preach that I should embrace forgiveness and not to assume the worst because that's not going to change anything. I've been stabbed in the back, multiple times, by my father, by other family, and by various best friends who were close enough for me to consider family. It always occurs when I try to change and start trusting people a little more and let my defenses down. I'm eagerly waiting for people to prove me wrong about humanity in general. And I do have a very select few people that I trust for the most part. But, in general, I just have an extremely hard time opening myself to others. These past three days have only reinforced this belief in myself and it will be a great deal of time before I try to work on this again.

Stress

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In college, and in life, stress is a daily occurrence we have to learn to manage. I generally tend to do very well with coping with stress. During my life's most stressful events, excluding recent ones, I never had a breakdown. When my parents separated, I noticed that I lost my appetite. Until then, I had never had a reaction to stress which affected my physical health. I finally fought against the anorexia which consumed me after my parent's separation and have been doing fairly well until recently. I'm not the type of person who likes to talk out my feelings, I do much better by bottling things up. So when I'm forced to be open, I tend to get shaky. Never in my life until this past Sunday had I had a panic attack and nothing in my life has scared me as much. I don't know what caused me to react in such a violent way, but for 40 minutes I was sure I was going to die. From nausea, to my arms and legs going numb, to hyperventilating, I lost complete control of my body and I have never been more embarrassed or scared of anything. However, I wrote it off as nothing, a freak occurrence, that would never happen again. I was wrong. Today, after several things going wrong all at once, I had another, although less violent, attack. This one was much shorter in duration, but I feel much more drained. I feel like I should probably go to get anxiety medication now because I'm in constant fear of another attack. I would love for this particular reaction to change, along with my loss of appetite that tends to lead me toward anorexia, however, I do not intend to work on my "bottling" of emotions because that's what works best for me.

Friday Favorites #2

It's time for my second installment of Friday Favorites. Because my readers have not given me any topics to work with, and I have no theme yet, I will be coming up with random favorites yet again (*hint*). This past week was one where, although I had plenty I could have done, I ended up not really doing much of anything. In fact, since Halloween weekend I've been kind of in a slump and haven't really been out much. My wallet is quite grateful, but it leaves me with very little to talk about.

My Favorite Thing to Wear

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Dresses are, above and by far, my favorite article of clothing to wear. They come in such a variety of cuts, shapes, styles, and colors and can be appropriate for any occasion. High-waisted dresses, such as the two pictured above, are my current favorite style. They elongate the torso, perfect for short girls like myself, and enhance the chest. I also love the variety of shoes that can be worn with dresses. Depending on the type of dress and where it will be worn, heels, tennis shoes, flats, sandals, and even going barefoot are all legitimate options. Dresses are, in my personal opinion, the most flattering and feminine thing a girl can wear. Many of a girl's most life-changing events generally require, by most social standards, that a girl be wearing a dress, such as prom or a wedding. Although I have been to neither prom nor a wedding, I still enjoy wearing dresses to class, clubs, or simply around the apartment. Nothing makes me feel as simultaneously comfortable and pretty as a good dress does.

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My Favorite Thing to do to My Bedroom When I'm Bored

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Re-decorate and re-arrange the furniture in my bedroom! I've already arranged my apartment bedroom four different ways, and each time I continue to form new ideas. If only I had the funds to keep up with my mind, I'd have a most amazing bedroom. Since I don't have as much to say about this, I'll post pictures of bedrooms I can only hope to have one day.

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Infected with Bibliophilia

I think it's safe for me to describe myself as being a bibliophile. I currently have two bookshelves which are completely full of books, most of which I've read, and I still have hundreds of others currently sitting in my wish list on Amazon and neither the money to spend on them, the time to read them, or the space to store them. Not until recently did I learn how to properly store books, keeping them out of sunlight, and how to always search for a first edition or first printing. While most of my books that I had bought in the past are still nice books, as a collector they're not worth anything. I'd love to replace them with a better version of themselves but will have to wait until I'm no longer a college student and actually earning a living. Until then, I'll have to make sure to do better with my future books.

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I had some time today that I decided would be best spent by actually finishing a book for the first time since I've entered college and it was well worth it. Any book which can move me emotionally I feel is worth the investment. This one was even more worth it, because I got such a good deal. I found this book in the Dollar Store and got it for slightly less than $1. Even though the foreshadowing was so strong and evident I figured out the major plot twists before they happened, I still found myself crying as the book ended. It got me thinking about death and how I'm going to deal with it when those around me die. As my grandparents get older and their health declines, I try to suppress the fact that I'm going to one day come home and them not be there. My pets too. I have nearly ten cats back home. Of those ten, Bubba is almost 15 years old and the "kittens": Tiger, Molly, Pumpkin, and Midnight, are all almost 12 years old. I hate to acknowledge the fact that these beloved friends who have been members of my family for the majority of my life will soon be leaving me. It's something that sends me to tears just thinking about it.

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And as much as I will miss my beloved friends, I have plenty of others to keep me occupied. Though they will never be replaced, I now have Sebastian with me at college and try to devote as much time as possible to making that kitten feel happy and loved. Sebastian was a stray kitten my grandmother found and is one of the most unique cats I've ever had. The first, and most notable, characteristic about Sebastian is his crossed eye. I thought he was sick at first but found out he's fine, he just happens to have a crossed eye. I think it must be genetic too, because his sister also has a crossed eye. The second thing about Sebastian is he abuses me. I've never had a kitten get so much pleasure from shredding my arms and legs to bloody stubs. I feel like I'm always walking into class with a raw wound from defending myself as I go to leave. I think this is partially because Sebastian has been confined to my bedroom, due to unreasonable roommates. I signed a lease for a pet friendly apartment and yet I've had many fights about having Sebastian there. Ashleigh and I moved in first, we knew one of us would have a cat, and told my roommates. Apparently, like Ashleigh says frequently, we must be invisible because they claimed to have never been told that. Although I appreciate the fact that they have to look out for themselves and their health, that's not my concern. My most important job is to provide Sebastian with the loving and nurturing environment he needs as a kitten because I hope to have him for at least 15 more years.

Meet Sebastian! And my terrible glasses which don't have anti-glare...

Procrastination Is Setting In

As much as I try to improve on my bad habits, procrastinating is one I think will stick with me for my entire life. There are times when I have a better handle on it than others. Those are my favorite times. My life is in much more order, and I tend to be in an overall better mood. My room is clean, my homework done, I might even be ahead in a few classes. My planner is up to date, my to-do list is complete. Then, there are days like today. I waited until after 11:00, yet again, to begin this post. I have yet to start any of my homework. My bedroom looks like it's been attacked by Sebastian, though that is partly true, and my planner is barren while my to-do list is staggering. And yet, I still sit here and put it off. I have no reason for why I do this, and I don't like it.

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My favorite season is fall. There's something about coming back to campus, buying new school materials, opening my textbooks for the first time, taking my first class's notes, and breaking in my new pencils that I just love. The beginning of the fall semester is my most productive time of year. However, after Daylight Savings Time, as the amount of sunlight in the day begins to decline, so does my energy and activity. This year I managed to last a little longer before being affected; however, now I am feeling it. I am determined to fight it this year. Over the past few years since I've realized that I get like this, I have noticed certain activities that help me feel better. What makes me feel best is keeping myself busy. The busier I am, the more productive and cheerful I am. Making sure I get several hours of sunlight also helps. 

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Luckily, there are several days scattered throughout the next few months that are sure to keep my spirits elevated. Thanksgiving, my grandfather's birthday, Christmas, New Years, and the last day of exams will all provide me with enough life to make it through yet another winter. I can't wait for the first snow of the year. Although I hate cold weather, if it's going to be cold I'd prefer it to snow. Last year we got more snow than usual, but with me as sick as I was I didn't get to enjoy it like I wanted to. It's my hope for this winter that we get a decent amount of snow here in Raleigh for me to enjoy.

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