Lack Of Motivation

Today's Wednesday, which means the week is halfway over and only one day of heavy classes and one light day separate me from the weekend. But I have more work due in the next two days than on the past three combined, and no motivation at all to get it done. Now that I have finally discovered what I want to do, I want to pour all of my energy and spare time into working towards my writing. I have lists of books to read and various story ideas to work on, but I can't because by the time I come back from classes, clean my apartment, study for class, do my homework, and take care of myself- wait, I don't even have the time to get all of those done, much less work towards my goal. If it wasn't for the tens of thousands of dollars in scholarships I've received that I'd have to pay back if I switched my major, then I would do so in a heart beat. My current field, though an interesting choice, doesn't fill me with the same passion I get from more of the humanities and lately I've found myself wondering why I'm even going to college to begin with. I love learning, but I just feel that life is too short for me to waste my time earning a degree in a subject I'm not passionate about instead reading all I want, writing all I can imagine, and traveling everywhere I long to. This may be a short-lived deviation from my interest in genetics, but it's hitting me hard. 

So what books am I reading right now? Well, I'm working on two. Generally I like to spend my time focusing on one book, but both of these captured my attention and I couldn't choose between them. 

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I haven't made it far in this book, so I can't give any plot or character descriptions or insights into the book. I've seen this book on several lists claiming it as one of the best books from the 2000-2010 decade and happened to have picked it up several months ago at a used bookstore. I like it so far, and what especially stands out to me is the point of view the story is written in. When reading, it's as if the protagonist is engaging you in conversation and you're already aware of the things being discussed. I've never read a book with this style before and am finding it very interesting.

I'm also reading:

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I came across this book as a suggestion from Amazon (thanks to my frequent online shopping habits) and was hooked instantly by the few available pages online. Delirium is in the young adult genre, meaning it should be an easy read, and it's the first in a trilogy by author Lauren Oliver. A trilogy that I'm eagerly anticipating. I hope to finish this soon and offer a review on it.

This post has been a successful attempt to postpone studying for my impending Biochem exam and going to the gym, but I suppose it's time to finally do what needs to be done. Or not. 

Apologies & Current Goal

I'm embarrassed by my lack of attention to this blog. I had my best intentions in keeping up to date and becoming a larger part of the blogging community but last semester was an overwhelming and stressful time for me and this blog was not one of my priorities. To the few readers I had, I'm sorry for my long leave. Although I don't have a consistent blogging schedule planned out, I do plan on trying to post more frequently, hopefully at least once a week. 


I think I entered my quarter-life crisis early, beginning some time during my reflective winter break. I was freaking out. And have been since. I'm in the process of changing my major to genetics, my scholarships keep me locked into a math, science, technology, education, or engineering major, but I have no interest in any of those subjects recently. What I am in interested in is psychology, sociology, ethics, foreign languages, art, music, history, and any other subject that lets me analyze how people think, why they think that particular way, and what they use to express themselves. I don't know when I began to favor this mindset, but it has become blatantly obvious to me as of late that the career plans I have been set on for years are no longer what I aspire to do. I am a person who loves stability and predictability and I pride myself on being able to make a choice and hold myself to it. But the more I try to push myself into these tracks, the less I learn and the harder the classes become.


I don't know what made me realize it. I had a dream over a month ago that got my mind spinning. The vivid details, engaging plot, and familiar characters captivated me and I couldn't get them out of my mind. I tried to think of an already published book similar to my dream. What a brilliant book it would be, I couldn't wait to read it. But I couldn't find one. Toni Morrison's quote, "If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it" made me realize what I needed to do. I sat for nearly an entire day, typing out in detail my dream. And as I typed, more details about the world these characters lived in and what was going to happen to them appeared in my mind. I was excited and filled with passion. Then my computer, as it often does, got a virus and crashed. The twelve pages I had typed were lost, and with them, my inspiration. January was spent much the same way December was, questioning all of my choices. This past weekend, for unknown reasons, I finally sat back down and typed out what I remembered from the dream and story, changed some details, added more depth, and did some research. 


I am now more confident than ever about what I want to do with my life. My choice is ironic, considering how this was one of my initial career choices in elementary school that I had, for some reason, cast aside. Books, reading and writing have always been part of my favorite past times, although overlooked at times, but they keep coming back to me. This story has held onto me for so long, in such detail, and continues to evolve in my mind and I think if I don't even attempt to share it that it'd be a failure. I plan to continue with my degree in Genetics and minor in Japan Studies so that I can have a stable career should my books prove to be unsuccessful. But I have to do this, for myself. I can't even begin to describe the weight lifted from me, and how the pieces in my life seemed to click into place, when I had that moment of epiphany and realized what I had known as a child, and somehow forgotten.

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I hope all of you (the few of you there are who may stumble across this post) are able to realize your dreams and passions and find a way to work towards them.