Running Behind Again: Personality Traits and "Flaws"

I don't remember what I initially wanted to post about for this night. But at this point in time, I don't really care. I'm really behind and working on catching up. I would like to use this post to talk about a few of my personality traits which, to some may be considered flaws, but they're who I am and I have no intention of changing them to please others. If and when I decide to improve on them, it will be of my own choosing.

Trust

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I have, literally, no trust. Not for my family, not for my friends, and not for new acquaintances. This is one trait that I would love to change. However, time and time again I've been stabbed in the back, and the more I try to trust the more I get hurt. At this point in my life, for my health and sanity, I've found it's much easier on myself to just not trust people and always assume the worst. It keeps me from getting hurt and I'm not disappointed in people. I can't stand it when people preach that I should embrace forgiveness and not to assume the worst because that's not going to change anything. I've been stabbed in the back, multiple times, by my father, by other family, and by various best friends who were close enough for me to consider family. It always occurs when I try to change and start trusting people a little more and let my defenses down. I'm eagerly waiting for people to prove me wrong about humanity in general. And I do have a very select few people that I trust for the most part. But, in general, I just have an extremely hard time opening myself to others. These past three days have only reinforced this belief in myself and it will be a great deal of time before I try to work on this again.

Stress

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In college, and in life, stress is a daily occurrence we have to learn to manage. I generally tend to do very well with coping with stress. During my life's most stressful events, excluding recent ones, I never had a breakdown. When my parents separated, I noticed that I lost my appetite. Until then, I had never had a reaction to stress which affected my physical health. I finally fought against the anorexia which consumed me after my parent's separation and have been doing fairly well until recently. I'm not the type of person who likes to talk out my feelings, I do much better by bottling things up. So when I'm forced to be open, I tend to get shaky. Never in my life until this past Sunday had I had a panic attack and nothing in my life has scared me as much. I don't know what caused me to react in such a violent way, but for 40 minutes I was sure I was going to die. From nausea, to my arms and legs going numb, to hyperventilating, I lost complete control of my body and I have never been more embarrassed or scared of anything. However, I wrote it off as nothing, a freak occurrence, that would never happen again. I was wrong. Today, after several things going wrong all at once, I had another, although less violent, attack. This one was much shorter in duration, but I feel much more drained. I feel like I should probably go to get anxiety medication now because I'm in constant fear of another attack. I would love for this particular reaction to change, along with my loss of appetite that tends to lead me toward anorexia, however, I do not intend to work on my "bottling" of emotions because that's what works best for me.